Infra-red....the opposite of what we see

It seems like it has been one of those days. Maybe one of those decades where I'm just supposed to go through turmoil. I'm trying to understand it, I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I don't know what that is.  I don't know what I am supposed to feel anymore except upset and somewhat angry.  I don't know what to do anymore but cry to make myself feel better.  I've gotten the rug ripped out of me in so many directions. From being "let go" from another job b/c of budget cuts to possibly losing my place to live. Which is one of the things that hurt the most. When you feel like those that are supposed to care for you most don't even want you around. What do you do? Where do you go? Who do you rely on?

I have some of the best friends I could ask for. That I have literally known since kindergarten and elementary school. Without them I know that I wouldn't still be here sometimes. They are the people I have to thank for getting through everything in my life. They are the ones I've been able to rely on my whole life. It's a strange thing feeling the way I do, most people say it's their family that gets them through all of things. For me it's been my friends. I love them soo much, but also miss them dearly as some are hours away in different states. While others are just too busy with their new families.

I was just reading the title of my blog again:

Close your eyes~Clear your heart~Let it go.....

Thinking about how difficult that is to do. How many things I've not forgiven those that hurt me for and it's just turned around and bit me in the butt. Because they will/still treat my like I'm nothing.
Why does life and everything in it have to be so difficult. Why does my adult life have to be so difficult? What did I do to deserve the hurt, the pain and everything else I'm experiencing right now?  It's just exhausting.
I keep hearing from people...it will get better, things are looking up for you. How do they know that when I can't even feel or believe that?  I guess I just have to many questions.  Does anyone know the answers to these in there life? or is it just me?

Where do I go from here? How do I be ok living with those that don't respect me or my feelings or just think I'm an idiot sometimes. Most days I feel like the biggest black sheep of my family.  Physically my body is in so much pain on a daily basis. Yet I'm still treated normal compared to the others who have most of the same issues of pain, migraines etc.  Just makes me sad. I don't want to be that unhealthy person. I don't want to hurt anymore. Physically and Mentally. The harder part of all of this is that I can't even go to the doctor. Since I have not had health insurance in over 5 years I can't take care of most normal problems that we all have. For now I just have to deal with the tremendous amount of pain I'm in most days. Whether it's from herniated discs in my back, my neck or all the migraines I get. (and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So for now my life is just a pile of rubble like this photo. Somewhere under it I am buried with all my thoughts. ;-)  



FYI-these are Infra-red photo's.  I love them because they give a whole new perspective on "old" things. Some even old things I have photographed before.