Infra-red....the opposite of what we see

It seems like it has been one of those days. Maybe one of those decades where I'm just supposed to go through turmoil. I'm trying to understand it, I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I don't know what that is.  I don't know what I am supposed to feel anymore except upset and somewhat angry.  I don't know what to do anymore but cry to make myself feel better.  I've gotten the rug ripped out of me in so many directions. From being "let go" from another job b/c of budget cuts to possibly losing my place to live. Which is one of the things that hurt the most. When you feel like those that are supposed to care for you most don't even want you around. What do you do? Where do you go? Who do you rely on?

I have some of the best friends I could ask for. That I have literally known since kindergarten and elementary school. Without them I know that I wouldn't still be here sometimes. They are the people I have to thank for getting through everything in my life. They are the ones I've been able to rely on my whole life. It's a strange thing feeling the way I do, most people say it's their family that gets them through all of things. For me it's been my friends. I love them soo much, but also miss them dearly as some are hours away in different states. While others are just too busy with their new families.

I was just reading the title of my blog again:

Close your eyes~Clear your heart~Let it go.....

Thinking about how difficult that is to do. How many things I've not forgiven those that hurt me for and it's just turned around and bit me in the butt. Because they will/still treat my like I'm nothing.
Why does life and everything in it have to be so difficult. Why does my adult life have to be so difficult? What did I do to deserve the hurt, the pain and everything else I'm experiencing right now?  It's just exhausting.
I keep hearing from people...it will get better, things are looking up for you. How do they know that when I can't even feel or believe that?  I guess I just have to many questions.  Does anyone know the answers to these in there life? or is it just me?

Where do I go from here? How do I be ok living with those that don't respect me or my feelings or just think I'm an idiot sometimes. Most days I feel like the biggest black sheep of my family.  Physically my body is in so much pain on a daily basis. Yet I'm still treated normal compared to the others who have most of the same issues of pain, migraines etc.  Just makes me sad. I don't want to be that unhealthy person. I don't want to hurt anymore. Physically and Mentally. The harder part of all of this is that I can't even go to the doctor. Since I have not had health insurance in over 5 years I can't take care of most normal problems that we all have. For now I just have to deal with the tremendous amount of pain I'm in most days. Whether it's from herniated discs in my back, my neck or all the migraines I get. (and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So for now my life is just a pile of rubble like this photo. Somewhere under it I am buried with all my thoughts. ;-)  



FYI-these are Infra-red photo's.  I love them because they give a whole new perspective on "old" things. Some even old things I have photographed before.

30 by 33

I can't believe it?

Three months ago I set a goal of losing 30 pounds by my 33rd birthday. As of today I actually did it. I wasn't doubting myself...tried to remain positive but at the same time not getting my hopes set to high. I'm planning on keeping it off and also to lose more. So my next goal will be another 30 pounds by September.

Get outta town

I have great friends! One of the best things is when you call them and say...I have to run away. Can I come sleep on your couch for a few days? And without a doubt they say YES! So off to Connecticut I go. The first few days I had the insane privelege to stay with Melissa and her little ones. Here are some pics of the afternoon at the beach with them.








Leah...she's just so cute! And talks with the cutest little voice. I can't understand half of what she says but it all sounds cute coming out of her! LOL

Enough Already

So when I picked the title for my blog I thought it was a great way to meditate and let go of what was bothering me. I find myself at 2:30AM wishing it was that easy to let things go. If it is then someone please tell me how.
Days go by and I barely get phone calls for job interviews. I keep putting out more resumes and I feel like I'm getting no where and that my life will never be back to normal. Not that I ever thought it was entirely normal to begin with, but I've had ENOUGH with the way things are currently going in my life. I'm not the type of person to share my feelings with everyone and tell them WOE is ME. That's just not how I deal with things. So instead I will sit here and blog about it. For the few people that subscribe you can read it and have a brief insight into the way my crappy life is going right now. People keep telling me "it will happen" don't worry, something great is just around the corner for you. I don't know what, but it's great. I just want to look at them and tell them they are full of $hit. At this point I have no reason to believe that any of that is true. I don't want to hurt there feelings, but you can keep sharing those "cheery" tidbits, but really most people in my situation don't want to hear them at all.
So as if this week didn't suck enough, I opened a letter from the state saying...You're Done. Meaning I get nothing anymore. So I here I sit at now 2:45AM thinking how in the hell am I going to pay any of my bills? I try and I try for jobs and people don't even return a phone call anymore. I've so had it with interviews and hiring managers that say feel free to contact me. Which basically means you can leave me a message or an email and I will NEVER contact you back. That's how polite our society has gotten. The irony in this is that I've been interviewing for customer service position. So for an hour or more I have to sit there and say how great I am and yada yada yada. Yet they don't even have the decency to return a phone call.
So for now I think I'm checking out for awhile b/c there ain't no good around here!

Blessed

Last night was probably by far one of the best christian concerts I've gone too ever.
I say that b/c it wasn't a concert at all. It was a worship service more than anything.
I have always admired Chris Tomlin as a singer and have had a love for his music as well, but last night sealed the deal. He wasn't there to perfom, he wasn't there to be admired, he was there to praise God with his gift. And we were there and lucky enough to participate in it as well. Here is a little snipit of "How Great is Our God". Sung by him and the entire areana.

That’s How It Is – Paul Freeman

I can help if you don’t understand

The beginning is always further away than the end

You can hide behind all it’s brick and lead

But love reveals everything you’ll ever have

Time will always come for you

That’s how it is…how it is

That’s just how it is

And I will try to comfort you

That’s how it is…how it is

That’s just how it is

So you can take these hands

And take this face

But you’ll be wrong if you think that everyone will be replaced

We all break plans and make mistakes

But they never seem to matter much at the end of the day

Time will always come for you

That’s how it is…how it is

That’s just how it is

And I will try to comfort you

That’s how it is…how it is

That’s just how it is

It’s easier to compromise when everything has gone

And it’s hard to make amends when all the damage is outdone

And to everyone I’ve ever hurt – I’m sorry

But I was wrong

A farewell kiss will never will never mean goodbye

Cause it holds on to the promises I made with these eyes

I‘ll leave you everything that’s mine

If you say that you’ll meet me in the next life

Time will always come for you

That’s how it is…how it is

That’s just how it is

And I will try to comfort you

That’s how it is…how it is

That’s just how it is

For those that have made the ultimate sacrifice